A cheerful disposition is good for your health; gloom and doom leave you bone-tired. Proverbs 17:22 The Message.

This week we’ve seen the Coronavirus death toll in the US go over 100,000; racism rear its ugly head in Minnesota and New York City; and politics being, well…politics. It’s enough to make you bone-tired.  Consider this your daily dose of bone-tired relief (and a few groans too).

 
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Coronavirus
Coronavirus?
Yes.
Get away from my door, you slimy germ, before I knock the “Coronavirus Who” right out of you. (Not funny but true)

Why did Batman and Robin feel safe riding in the Batmobile together?
They were both wearing masks.

Why did Robin still catch Covid-19?
Have you seen Robin’s mask?

What did the bank robber say to the Chase Saving and Loan bank teller as he was robbing the bank?
Allow me to social distance you from all of your money.

Three people are wearing masks, which one is the bank robber?
The one holding a bag marked “Chase Saving and Loan.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
A chicken on her original side of the road was not wearing a mask.

How many elephants can socially distance inside a Volkswagen?
That depends on what they have in their trunks

What’s a “quaranton”?
A Volkswagen with two elephants. A Quanan-two-ton has four elephants in the car and one in the trunk. (Is it me or are all elephant jokes dumb—even—especially my own?)

What do you call a 14-year-old during the stay-at-home order?
“Quaranteen”

What do you call a very small person during the stay-at-home order?
“Quaranteenytiny”

What happens when a pack of wolverines stop social distancing?
A Spartan quarterback is sacked

What do you call an Ohio State Buckeye Football player holding a face mask?
If you’re a referee in the Michigan vs. Ohio State football game– you don’t see the Buckeye holding a face mask (A little bitter football humor)

Why are Detroit Lions’ fans happy there is a quarantine?
Finally, an undefeated season, baby! (more bitter football humor)

A priest, a rabbi, a Baptist preacher and Nazarene pastor decide to go to a barber shop– what do they say?
Nothing. The place is closed. (Although I think the priest, rabbi and Baptist mumbled something about the governor on their way back to their cars.)

Why was the Nazarene Pastor ok with the barber shop being closed during the quarantine?
Maybe this year, he’ll get picked to be Jesus in next Easter’s Pageant. (Young Preacher’s answer)
Maybe this year, he’ll play Santa Claus at the Children’s Christmas Party (Old Preacher’s answer)
She was looking for a beauty salon not a barber shop (Woman preacher’s answer))

How many quarantined pastors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One in this house. My wife, barber, camera person, announcement queen and a few other things, finally got a certain you-know-who to stop telling corny quarantine jokes and do a little work around the house.

Clearly my calling is to be a pastor and not a joke writer for Jimmy Kimmel.

 

“In order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.” 2 Corinthians 2:11

A conversation between two demons, Dreadsock and Sliverbug

Sliverbug: Any great ideas on how to get church folks running for the exits?
Dreadsock: How about a global pandemic?
Sliverbug: Been there. Done that. We thought the plagues of the 2nd century would wipe out the early church, but those idiots actually grew. One of the worst decisions, we’ve ever had.
Dreadsock: The world is different now.
Sliverbug: During the plagues in the Middle Ages, the church kept building cathedrals. What we thought would decimate the church to a point of hopelessness, seeing the cathedral construction sites actually gave people hope that “this too shall pass.” Ugh I hate that phrase!
Dreadsock: The world is different now.
Sliverbug: The Spanish flu on the heels of one of our great triumphs (World War I) was intended to destroy the remaining morale and the church. It didn’t.
Dreadsock: I’m telling you, the world is different now.
Sliverbug: IDK
Dreadsock: How about this? We pick a large city that no one has heard of so the pandemic can get a great start and disseminate quickly.
Sliverbug: Where would that be?
Dreadsock: Wuhan, China. It has 11 million people, but who can point out where Wuhan is on a map? No one I know.
Sliverbug: Go on…
Dreadsock: It will spread like wildfire. With the way people travel these days (which wasn’t the case with the Spanish Flu), the virus will spread faster than some of the rumors and gossip we’ve started about church leaders.
Sliverbug: Hmmmmm…
Dreadsock: Here’s one the best features– people (even followers of the Enemy) will blame Him for being mad at the world and sending a curse for this or that— He’ll take the heat, not us! lol
Sliverbug: I like it. One of our best ideas ever was to get insurance companies to call disasters “An Act of God.”
Dreadsock: Lol.
Sliverbug: Let’s shoot the idea down stairs to get approval.

Three Months Later…

Sliverbug: Your stupid idea isn’t working
Dreadsock: What are you talking about? People are infected. Lots are dying. Fear is  rampant. Churches have closed down all over the world.
Sliverbug: Those closed churches have gone on-line. More people are hearing the blah, blah, blah of the Enemy than before the pandemic.
Dreadsock: What should we do?
Sliverbug: We gotta divide the Enemy’s minions to conqueror them.
Dreadsock: I loved the way we divided the church over styles of music. Nothing got people riled up more than hymns vs. choruses!
Sliverbug: lol.
Dreadsock: One of our greatest success stories!
Sliverbug: If we can split churches over music, we ought to be able to come up with a plan.
Dreadsock: Any ideas?
Sliverbug: Let’s go back to an oldie but goodie– fear! Fear has been one of our great weapons down through the centuries, right?
Dreadsock: Play on their fears?
Sliverbug: Exactly.
Dreadsock: Take something helpful like music was 15 years ago, and turn it into a major point of contention.
Sliverbug: What do you suggest?
Dreadsock: Face masks.
Sliversock: Face masks?
Dreadsock: Sure. People are fearful. Some insist on them. Others hate them. Our conspiracy theory department is doing a great job sowing confusion regarding them! Some folks even have preexisting conditions that legitimately make wearing masks difficult if not impossible. Everybody has an opinion on face masks.
Sliversock: Facemasks? Hmmm… It just might work.
Dreadsock: lol

Who has thought, “I’m glad the Nazarene General Assembly wasn’t in 2020″? Probably most globally connected Nazarenes watching the cancelations of every large group gathering in 2020. But will 2021 be better? Of course, no one knows the future. I’m fairly certain there are no crystal balls at the Global Ministry Center. But it seems the question should be asked (as it is being asked by the IOC concerning cancelling the already postponed 2020 Olympics in Tokyo) should we cancel or postpone the 30th General Assembly in 2021?

I’m not a prophet or the son of a prophet (to steal a line from Amos), but it’s sensible to presume that by June of 2021, in Indianapolis the worst Covid-19 troubles of 2020 will have passed. But will the virus be completely contained worldwide by June of 2021? What if there is a second wave in the United States in January or February of 2021? What if there is not a vaccine? What if there is a vaccine but it has not been delivered globally to the 160+/- countries that the Church of the Nazarene operates in? Will the U.S. government allow entry into the country from those countries that have had no access to a vaccine? Obtaining a visa into the US was not easy in 2017 before the pandemic (just ask those delegates from the Philippines or Guatemala who did not have their visas approved in 2017). It is reasonable to assume that it will be even harder for international delegates to obtain visas in a post-pandemic, but still weary United States in 2021.

Postponing the General Assembly for a year might not be the worst decision. In the last several General Assemblies resolutions have been proposed to move General Assemblies to a five year cycle. At the 2017 General Assembly, if I remember correctly, all of the General Superintendents (and a few formers GSs) were in support of moving General Assembly to every five years. I believe their endorsement was based on the increasing cost of holding a General Assembly (the actual cost of a General Assembly is held tighter to the vest than nuclear launch codes, but I think it’s a lot). I voted against the resolution because of two big reasons: 1) The world changes so quickly. Waiting five years is too long to address our changing culture and subsequent changing challenges; and 2) General Assembly is like a family reunion. If we are serious about being an internationally connected church, the four-year gathering is essential to those relationships. I think it’s too late to change my vote, but in light of the pandemic I wish I had voted differently.

The question should be reasonably asked can we have a family reunion if half the family is denied entry into the United States? Can we afford a General Assembly in a year when the World Evangelism Fund (WEF) will probably decline because of the economic impact of the coronavirus pandemic? It may be time to ask if the 30th General Assembly should take place in 2022.

The issue of mask wearing has become a political hot potato not a public health issue. The Detroit Free Press article regarding this is: here

But what about in church? Should people be required to wear masks in church? What if the mask deniers are right? What if wearing a mask is not helping the control of Coronavirus? What if the mask wearers are right and the potential for spreading the virus is magnified by non-mask wearers?

In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul faced a similar dilemma from which we can draw parallels to today’s mask vs. non-mask debate. The issue in Corinth wasn’t about masks in a pandemic, but eating or not eating meat sacrificed to idols.

When pagans ate the meat sacrificed to idols, it was an act of worship. The leftover uneaten meat sacrificed to pagan idols at the pagan temple was later sold in the market. In a city like Corinth (which had many pagan temples), sacrificed meat was far cheaper and more available than non-sacrificed meat. So the question was: Should Christians eat meat that was cheaper, albeit sacrificed to a phony-baloney idol?

Sacrificed meat eaters said, “The idols are fake. Jesus is real. The only thing better than a tasty lamb chop is a tasty cheap lamb chop.”

Non-Sacrificed meat eaters said, “I came out of a pagan lifestyle. Before Jesus, I ate sacrificed meat and worshipped idols that I now know are fake. If I were to eat meat sacrificed in honor of a fake god, it would be a terrible reminder of my sinful past.”

Both camps loved Jesus but came to different conclusions moving forward.

Paul was in the “I like a good cheap lamb chop” camp, but he also wanted to be sensitive to the former pagans. He concluded by writing, “Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved. (1 Corinthians 10:32-33). In other words, Paul told those who were OK eating the once sacrificed lamb chops that cheap meat wasn’t worth alienating the non-eaters of sacrificed meat and could possibly hinder their walk with Jesus.

Like in Paul’s day, the lines in the church are being drawn into two camps: Mask wearers and non-mask wearers. Mask wearers are saying, “I want to keep everyone safe. I don’t want to infect anyone with my germs.” While non-mask wearers are saying, “The Covid-19 shut down is a big brouhaha about nothing. Let’s get on with life.” Both camps want to get back and worship God. Both camps love Jesus but come to very different conclusions in moving forward.

It seems that our options are limited as we open our churches. Which non-Christian do you want to offend? Mask wearers or non-mask wearers?

Let’s say both a mask wearer and non-mask wearing non-Christian started watching on-line services during the quarantine and decided to come check out Jesus for themselves. The non-mask wearer, non-Christian types may come to the church doors and when offered a mask, might say, “No thanks, I’ll be back when I don’t have to wear a mask,” and leave. One the other hand, the mask wearing non-Christian walking into a church filled with non-mask wearing Christians would turn around, never come back and saying, “Those people do not care about their neighbor.”

Mask or no mask our job is to win people to Jesus.

Let’s be sensitive to non-believers coming through our doors from both camps. To my non-mask wearing friends, I would say, “Wearing a mask for an hour in church is worth the inconvenience if an unbelieving mask wearer hears about Jesus.” If we are going to err let’s do it on the side of proclaiming the message that we love our neighbors, protect them and doing everything we can to win them to Jesus. That’s where Paul seemingly lands in the eat sacrificed meat vs. don’t eat sacrificed meat question in 1 Corinthians. He wrote: “Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.” 1 Corinthians 10:24

In the Great Meat Sacrificed to Idols Debate of the first century and in the mask vs. non-mask debate of 2020, the advice is the same, let’s seek the good of our neighbor.

Karla already has a list of “to do” things once the stay at home order is lifted. Seeing her hair stylist is tops on that list (not me, I like my mullet. The early eighties were good years for me). Second on her list is to go to a favorite restaurant (She’s growing tired of “Karla’s Kitchen”). Third is to have a quiet day at home, sans a certain mullet sporting someone who’s been hanging around a lot these days (she has rediscovered some of my annoying habits). And fourth on her list is to go shopping again minus the mullet man. It’s a good (albeit somewhat prejudiced against mullets) list.

Here is my list of what I am ready to do:

1). Preach to real people— instead of sermonizing to the person behind the camera (Karla). Karla knows all my jokes (see above statement on annoying habits) and I’ve discovered she doesn’t like most of them.

2). See the pastoral staff on a regular basis, instead of watching a little Zoom-created box on my screen. It will be weird not seeing them in ball caps and missing every fourth word due to a bad internet connection.

3). Develop a mask that doesn’t fog up one’s glasses. When I wear a mask, it fogs up my glasses and I can’t see. If I take off my glasses, I can’t see. If I take off my mask and leave my glasses on, I can see all who I might/could infect if I am a “Coronavirus Rob” (a Covid-19, male version of Typhoid Mary). Foggy glasses is a big problem. If I made a non-fogging-up-your-glasses mask, I’d make millions and our church debt would be wiped clean!

4). Start a conspiracy theory about conspiracy theorists. It may might go something like this: An informed unnamed source recently told me that all the conspiracy theorists have been infected with the Stupid-19 Virus. This strand of virus is undetected until the infected person types or speaks—at which time the virus is easily identified. There is no cure for Stupid-19. The CDC recommends socially distancing one’s social media platforms is the best stay-safe practice. There is also a virus strain named Cupid-19. People infected love even those with mullets. I’m secreting hoping…

But on the tip top of my list is from Psalm 122:1, that says:

5). I rejoiced with those who said to me, “Let us go to the house of the Lord.” I can’t wait to see my church folks, talk with them, rejoice with them, and worship together once more. Whether than happens with masks or without masks—I just can’t wait to see (even through foggy glasses) my church family

Not too much longer! Hang in there my friends!!

The crazy thing about pandemics is that a virus doesn’t have a political agenda. It infects left wing nut cases with the same force as it does for alt-right wing loonies. It cares not about religious affiliation or lack thereof. One’s sexual identity or views on abortion mean nothing to the coronavirus. Maybe if Covid-19 were around in Jesus day, He would have said, “Coronavirus is spread on the just and the unjust alike.” (see Matthew 5:45).

No one knows how long this infectious time will last, and no one knows if it’s going to come knocking on our doors again. I’ve got peeps on both sides of the great political chicken wire, you probably do too. Your social media time line probably looks like mine. It’s filled with Covid-19 opinions and arguments from all directions including (but not limited to): the spread of the virus; measures to contain the spread; the origination and the various conspiracy theories and rumors concerning the virus; declarations of God’s involvement, indifference or pandemic judgement upon the world; and how our government officials have responded or not responded to Covid-19.

Who knew that a virus could divide our world even more than it was already divided? Don’t provide any more fuel for this virtual barnyard brawl, instead give them fruit. Not just any fruit, the fruit of the Spirit. Let them see in us:

Love (The great theologian Dionne Warwick said it best, “what the world needs now is love, sweet love. It’s the only thing that there is just too little of.” Better yet, Jesus said, “Love one another” and “Love your enemies.” Let love be our first response).

Joy (Offer the exuberant hope that God will brighten our future)

Peace (In the midst of chaos, let’s bear the unmistakable presence of Jesus).

Patience (Let’s listen before we speak).

Kindness (Bearing truth and grace, need not be unkind. Compassion and mercy matters).

Goodness (Offer a helping hand even if we don’t agree with the ideas, lives, or even the manner in which our gift is received).

Faithfulness (Let our message never change. We love God with everything we’ve got, and likewise we love our neighbors).

Gentleness (When this whole mess is over and whatever new normal comes to pass, be humble and refuse to point fingers, cast blame or offer anyone an “I told you so”).

Self-Control (It’s hard not to say, “I told you so,” when I told you so. Don’t give into the temptation to join in the arguments or divisive rhetoric on-line or in person; instead be eager to have God’s grace ooze from every word typed and phrase uttered).

When Covid-19 craziness meets the fruit of the Spirit, a bit of sanity and a whole lot of holiness prevails.

The words “Opening Day” fills this Detroit Tiger fan with joy and hope as a new baseball season dawns. Did you see the Tigers play last year? Trust me, the feeling doesn’t last long. “Opening Day” also brings joy to my friends who love to go into the woods, see one of God’s impressive creatures, a monster buck white tail deer, and shoot him dead.

An “Opening Song or Opening Act” brings excitement for the concert or theatre goers. The show is finally starting.

A “Grand Opening” brings joy too. I’ve prayed at the Grand Opening of a Chick-fil-a (My magnificent prayer didn’t give me free sandwiches for a year. Rats). I’ve also prayed for a Grand Opening of a Lowe’s home improvement store (It closed about a year ago. I’m not sure what that says about my magnificent praying skills but I digress).

A “Soft Opening” refers to the quiet thrill of starting a business to make sure all the kinks have been worked out before the grand opening. One of my favorite lines in the movie Ocean’s Thirteen is when the character Saul Bloom doesn’t quite understand what a “soft opening” is. He says, “When they opened The Flamingo, one day it was closed, the next it was open. End of story. I know. I was there.”

But the word, I’m waiting for is Re-Opening. When will businesses re-open? What is the right time to re-open? What will happen if we re-open too soon? And on this pastor’s mind: When will the church re-open?

We all know what is meant by the question: When can we gather and sing God’s praises with a crowd of like-minded friends? When will we have some semblance to the church life we had pre-pandemic? No one wants that more than me!

But maybe, just maybe, we don’t need to pray for a re-opening of the church as much as we need to pray that our Heavenly Father might re-open our eyes to the needs around us. Re-open our Bibles and seek God’s truth. Re-open our hearts to compassion. Re-open our minds and imagine how God might lead us through this pandemic. Re-open our checkbooks (do people still use checkbooks?) and be generous in funding the mission of God. Re-open our commitment to the church’s main task: Making Christ-like disciples in the nations.

We all want to re-open the church, but first let’s re-open our lives for the Master’s use.

On Saturday night, Karla and I ventured into Walmart. It was my first time being in the store in over two months (lucky me!). There was an elaborate entrance maze made up of pylons and caution tape, that we had to walk through to get into the store. A worker was spraying some disinfectant concoction on the shopping carts (At least, I was hoping it was disinfectant as I grabbed the cart). As you probably know, there are traffic flow signs on floor directing which direction one should shop (few people obeyed or noticed the signs). Some folks were wearing masks, some were not and some had them on below their nose and mouth (their chins were well protected from the virus). Some of the masks worn had mouths painted on. One guy’s masked covered most of his face and it looked like the Incredible Hulk. Others were supporting a college or professional sports team (I had on my Michigan Wolverines mask provided to me by Kay Brown and Karla was wearing her mask provided by our seniors). Some had handkerchiefs on, they looked like they were about to rob a stagecoach.

I will admit I was more aware of my surroundings when around the non-masked people. I walked a little quicker as I passed them. Tried to hold my breath on a few occasions. It’s funny how things can change. In my pre-pandemic forays into Walmart, I would have thought the stagecoach-robbing handkerchief guy and the customer with an Incredible Hulk mask would have been the people I would have most wanted to most avoid.

Welcome to our Covid-19 world!

Back in the good ol’ days (before coronavirus) people wore masks too, you just couldn’t see them. They would put on a happy face mask and come to church, when on the inside, they were dying from some troubling circumstance. They would put on a brave mask when I‘d visit pre-surgery. Truth is they were anxious and full of anxiety. People put on a nice Christian mask, when I preached on the evils of lust, greed or the lack of forgiveness. All the while, the invisible mask-wearing-church-goers knew full well that they were battling such sinful thoughts and behaviors.

There are plenty of masks people wear to cover up their true selves. It’s easy to hide behind such coverings and fool even the most intuitive among us. It’s easy to fool me. I’ve been deceived more times than I can to count. Truth be told, I have also worn my share of masks down through the years hoping that my true self would not be revealed. Fooling people is easy, fooling God is impossible. God sees our heart. He knows our thoughts. He is aware of those dark and hidden places. We would do well to heed and take action regarding the author of Hebrews’ reminder:

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Hebrews 4:12-14

Both pre-pandemic and now, people are wearing masks. It’s just easier to tell what kind of mask it is these days.