Monthly Archives: May 2020

Dad Jokes (Quarantine Style)

A cheerful disposition is good for your health; gloom and doom leave you bone-tired. Proverbs 17:22 The Message.

This week we’ve seen the Coronavirus death toll in the US go over 100,000; racism rear its ugly head in Minnesota and New York City; and politics being, well…politics. It’s enough to make you bone-tired.  Consider this your daily dose of bone-tired relief (and a few groans too).

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Get away from my door, you slimy germ, before I knock the “Coronavirus Who” right out of you. (Not funny but true)

Why did Batman and Robin feel safe riding in the Batmobile together?
They were both wearing masks.

Why did Robin still catch Covid-19?
Have you seen Robin’s mask?

What did the bank robber say to the Chase Saving and Loan bank teller as he was robbing the bank?
Allow me to social distance you from all of your money.

Three people are wearing masks, which one is the bank robber?
The one holding a bag marked “Chase Saving and Loan.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
A chicken on her original side of the road was not wearing a mask.

How many elephants can socially distance inside a Volkswagen?
That depends on what they have in their trunks

What’s a “quaranton”?
A Volkswagen with two elephants. A Quanan-two-ton has four elephants in the car and one in the trunk. (Is it me or are all elephant jokes dumb—even—especially my own?)

What do you call a 14-year-old during the stay-at-home order?

What do you call a very small person during the stay-at-home order?

What happens when a pack of wolverines stop social distancing?
A Spartan quarterback is sacked

What do you call an Ohio State Buckeye Football player holding a face mask?
If you’re a referee in the Michigan vs. Ohio State football game– you don’t see the Buckeye holding a face mask (A little bitter football humor)

Why are Detroit Lions’ fans happy there is a quarantine?
Finally, an undefeated season, baby! (more bitter football humor)

A priest, a rabbi, a Baptist preacher and Nazarene pastor decide to go to a barber shop– what do they say?
Nothing. The place is closed. (Although I think the priest, rabbi and Baptist mumbled something about the governor on their way back to their cars.)

Why was the Nazarene Pastor ok with the barber shop being closed during the quarantine?
Maybe this year, he’ll get picked to be Jesus in next Easter’s Pageant. (Young Preacher’s answer)
Maybe this year, he’ll play Santa Claus at the Children’s Christmas Party (Old Preacher’s answer)
She was looking for a beauty salon not a barber shop (Woman preacher’s answer))

How many quarantined pastors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One in this house. My wife, barber, camera person, announcement queen and a few other things, finally got a certain you-know-who to stop telling corny quarantine jokes and do a little work around the house.

Clearly my calling is to be a pastor and not a joke writer for Jimmy Kimmel.

How to Divide the Church During a Pandemic: A Texting Conversation (with apologies to Screwtape, Wormwood and CS Lewis)

In order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.” 2 Corinthians 2:11

A conversation between two demons, Dreadsock and Sliverbug

Sliverbug: Any great ideas on how to get church folks running for the exits?
Dreadsock: How about a global pandemic?
Sliverbug: Been there. Done that. We thought the plagues of the 2nd century would wipe out the early church, but those idiots actually grew. One of the worst decisions, we’ve ever had.
Dreadsock: The world is different now.
Sliverbug: During the plagues in the Middle Ages, the church kept building cathedrals. What we thought would decimate the church to a point of hopelessness, seeing the cathedral construction sites actually gave people hope that “this too shall pass.” Ugh I hate that phrase!
Dreadsock: The world is different now.
Sliverbug: The Spanish flu on the heels of one of our great triumphs (World War I) was intended to destroy the remaining morale and the church. It didn’t.
Dreadsock: I’m telling you, the world is different now.
Sliverbug: IDK
Dreadsock: How about this? We pick a large city that no one has heard of so the pandemic can get a great start and disseminate quickly.
Sliverbug: Where would that be?
Dreadsock: Wuhan, China. It has 11 million people, but who can point out where Wuhan is on a map? No one I know.
Sliverbug: Go on…
Dreadsock: It will spread like wildfire. With the way people travel these days (which wasn’t the case with the Spanish Flu), the virus will spread faster than some of the rumors and gossip we’ve started about church leaders.
Sliverbug: Hmmmmm…
Dreadsock: Here’s one the best features– people (even followers of the Enemy) will blame Him for being mad at the world and sending a curse for this or that— He’ll take the heat, not us! lol
Sliverbug: I like it. One of our best ideas ever was to get insurance companies to call disasters “An Act of God.”
Dreadsock: Lol.
Sliverbug: Let’s shoot the idea down stairs to get approval.

Three Months Later…

Sliverbug: Your stupid idea isn’t working
Dreadsock: What are you talking about? People are infected. Lots are dying. Fear is  rampant. Churches have closed down all over the world.
Sliverbug: Those closed churches have gone on-line. More people are hearing the blah, blah, blah of the Enemy than before the pandemic.
Dreadsock: What should we do?
Sliverbug: We gotta divide the Enemy’s minions to conqueror them.
Dreadsock: I loved the way we divided the church over styles of music. Nothing got people riled up more than hymns vs. choruses!
Sliverbug: lol.
Dreadsock: One of our greatest success stories!
Sliverbug: If we can split churches over music, we ought to be able to come up with a plan.
Dreadsock: Any ideas?
Sliverbug: Let’s go back to an oldie but goodie– fear! Fear has been one of our great weapons down through the centuries, right?
Dreadsock: Play on their fears?
Sliverbug: Exactly.
Dreadsock: Take something helpful like music was 15 years ago, and turn it into a major point of contention.
Sliverbug: What do you suggest?
Dreadsock: Face masks.
Sliversock: Face masks?
Dreadsock: Sure. People are fearful. Some insist on them. Others hate them. Our conspiracy theory department is doing a great job sowing confusion regarding them! Some folks even have preexisting conditions that legitimately make wearing masks difficult if not impossible. Everybody has an opinion on face masks.
Sliversock: Facemasks? Hmmm… It just might work.
Dreadsock: lol