In honor of the starting of the baseball season (Go Tigers!!), I give you the interchangeable baseball and church life lingo.
Sacrifice Fly: A bug in the communion juice
Double play: Both guitar players are strumming during what was supposed to be a solo
Squeeze Play: Nine people sitting in an eight-person pew
Grand Slam: The pew (from the above definition) breaks
Triple Crown: The three kings in the Christmas Pageant
Closer: The last song of the worship hour
Change Up: When the band has practiced a “closer” but the pastor announces a different song is to be sung to end the service.
Home Run: A teenager’s mode of transportation to his/her domicile following a forgetful parent’s leaving church without said teenager.
Walk Off: If the teenager from the above definition is not fleet of foot.
Full count: The head usher’s attendance tally on Easter Sunday
Hit and Run: What happens just prior to a toddler’s parent being paged to come to the nursery
Pinch hitter: When the toddler in the above definition has more than one bad habit.
Home Plate: The dish a parishioner brings to a pot luck
Long Relief: The hour and a half sermon by the guest preacher
Caught Looking: What happens to the senior high boys checking out the incoming class of freshmen girls into the youth group by the youth pastor
Pick Off: What the facility crew has to do with chewing gum stuck under the pews
Tagging Up: The nursery worker’s task of placing the security/information sticker on a toddler’s back.
In the hole: Where the preacher finds him/herself when using an unapproved sermon illustration of his/her spouse
Dugout: How the preacher from the above definition exits “the hole” using flattery and extra chores around the parsonage.
Wild Pitch: A Gideon’s plea to pass out bibles at the local zoo
Fielder’s Choice: If former Detroit Tiger players Cecil or Prince had to decide between regular or gluten free communion wafers
Slide: What old time missionaries would bring to show a picture of their work in a far-off country before Power Point
Shutout: The experience of not getting into the church before the security team locks the doors
On deck: The happening at the Senior Game Day when someone is accidentally sits on the Skipbo cards.
Warning Track (sic):A brochure telling the reader the dangers of eternity without God.
Strike Zone: The area around the preacher’s flailing arms during a heated illustration.
Spit ball: What leaves the preacher’s mouth during the above definition’s heated illustration.
Stopper: What the security team does when a deranged lady is trying to rush the platform
Cut Off Man: The sound man’s nickname following his muting the worship leader’s microphone during an extra-long chorus introduction
Foul Tip: When a jokester parishioner gives a naive pastor an off-color sermon illustration
Whiff: The brief, pleasant aroma during the eulogy when the funeral dinner crew are making cinnamon rolls
Dinger: A parking lot infraction when the church bus slightly brushes the pastor’s wife’s car
Save: What Jesus does