Dad Jokes (Quarantine Style)

A cheerful disposition is good for your health; gloom and doom leave you bone-tired. Proverbs 17:22 The Message.

This week we’ve seen the Coronavirus death toll in the US go over 100,000; racism rear its ugly head in Minnesota and New York City; and politics being, well…politics. It’s enough to make you bone-tired.  Consider this your daily dose of bone-tired relief (and a few groans too).

 
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Coronavirus
Coronavirus?
Yes.
Get away from my door, you slimy germ, before I knock the “Coronavirus Who” right out of you. (Not funny but true)

Why did Batman and Robin feel safe riding in the Batmobile together?
They were both wearing masks.

Why did Robin still catch Covid-19?
Have you seen Robin’s mask?

What did the bank robber say to the Chase Saving and Loan bank teller as he was robbing the bank?
Allow me to social distance you from all of your money.

Three people are wearing masks, which one is the bank robber?
The one holding a bag marked “Chase Saving and Loan.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
A chicken on her original side of the road was not wearing a mask.

How many elephants can socially distance inside a Volkswagen?
That depends on what they have in their trunks

What’s a “quaranton”?
A Volkswagen with two elephants. A Quanan-two-ton has four elephants in the car and one in the trunk. (Is it me or are all elephant jokes dumb—even—especially my own?)

What do you call a 14-year-old during the stay-at-home order?
“Quaranteen”

What do you call a very small person during the stay-at-home order?
“Quaranteenytiny”

What happens when a pack of wolverines stop social distancing?
A Spartan quarterback is sacked

What do you call an Ohio State Buckeye Football player holding a face mask?
If you’re a referee in the Michigan vs. Ohio State football game– you don’t see the Buckeye holding a face mask (A little bitter football humor)

Why are Detroit Lions’ fans happy there is a quarantine?
Finally, an undefeated season, baby! (more bitter football humor)

A priest, a rabbi, a Baptist preacher and Nazarene pastor decide to go to a barber shop– what do they say?
Nothing. The place is closed. (Although I think the priest, rabbi and Baptist mumbled something about the governor on their way back to their cars.)

Why was the Nazarene Pastor ok with the barber shop being closed during the quarantine?
Maybe this year, he’ll get picked to be Jesus in next Easter’s Pageant. (Young Preacher’s answer)
Maybe this year, he’ll play Santa Claus at the Children’s Christmas Party (Old Preacher’s answer)
She was looking for a beauty salon not a barber shop (Woman preacher’s answer))

How many quarantined pastors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One in this house. My wife, barber, camera person, announcement queen and a few other things, finally got a certain you-know-who to stop telling corny quarantine jokes and do a little work around the house.

Clearly my calling is to be a pastor and not a joke writer for Jimmy Kimmel.

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