It happens in four days.
Just four days.
The hardship and dismay you’ve endured since last November is about to be over. Your long nightmare will soon come to an end. There are just four days left before this year’s version of Christmas morning, the greatest birthday celebration, and the Superbowl are all rolled into one day.
“What world shaking event happens in four days?” you dare to ask.
Have you been living under a rock?
Did the warden not give you TV privileges?
Did you take a few too many ambien, Mr. Van Winkle?
On July 15, 2013 (I can’t believe I actually have to explain this historic moment. In a sheer coincidence, that day also happens to be the birthday of a former Detroit Lion and one of the greatest American actors of the 1970s, Alex Karras.) after bankruptcy, factories shut down, labor disputes and other assorted troubles— the delicious American icon, Twinkies, will be back in the stores!
That’s right— the yummy Hostess snack cakes that have been giving sugar highs to children for over 80 years are coming back! And some people wonder if God still answers prayer— he answered mine, my friend. He answered mine!
Not only will the treat that has delighted the masses return on Monday in its full 37 ingredient glory, (That’s right it takes 37 different ingredients to produce the sugary goodness of the Twinkie. FYI— I think there were less components in the first nuclear bomb, but of course the nuclear bomb wasn’t nearly as destructive as the cream-filled, sugar-laced, spongy morsels of junk food.) Hostess brand says that on Monday, 50 million Twinkies will be available. That should be plenty for me— but I’m not sure what the rest of America will do.
Not only will Twinkies be back— they will be better than ever. The new Twinkies will have an extended shelf life. The old Twinkies could sit on your shelf collecting dust for 26 days. The new Twinkies will last 45 days! They are a food preservative work of art. I am not sure which of the 37 ingredients was added to extend the life of the Hostess brand’s specialty, but I think the mad scientist who came up with the secret ingredient should win a Nobel Prize. In fact, for a moment, I thought I wouldn’t mind if “Dr. Strangelove of the Snack Cake World” would inject me with that same ingredient— double my shelf life, please.
But then I realized that no injections are necessary— not when you believe in Jesus.
What does Jesus have to do with Twinkies (besides any Biblical references to gluttony of course)? Just hold on— I can relate just about everything to Jesus if you give me enough time (they teach you that stuff in seminary).
Jesus said, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son that whosoever believes on Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” And in nearly every funeral for a Christian, I quote Jesus’ words in John 11: “I am the resurrection and the life, he who believes in me, will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.” In other words, belief in Jesus gives a person an even longer shelf life than the new and improved Twinkie— and He does it gluten free and with less calories!!
Lesson learned: Twinkies are good. Jesus is better.