An 11th Commandment for the 21st Century (using 16th Century language)?

Opening Disclaimer: Obviously, adding a commandment is silliness, but if an additional decree had been given the modern reader might have benefitted from these:

11. Thou shalt not post gossip on thine internet. For on the day, thou post-th untruths on thine Facebook page thou shalt surely have a carpal tunnel the size of the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel. Thou shalt not retweeth lies and rumors and falsehoods and unholy likenesses of thine enemies. For if thou shalt bear false witness of thine enemy, the fleas of a thousand camels shalt infest thine armpits. Posteth unto others as thou would like to have posted about thy own self.

11. Thou shalt not maketh reference to a church squabble with the phrase “everyone is saying.” Thou knowest that “everyone is NOT saying” whatever thou art complaining about. Thus, more correctly, thou shalt say, “me and my equally cranky friend, Manasseh*, thinketh ________ (fill in thine blank with thine latest lame grievance).

11. Thou shalt not maketh thine theological opinions based on thine favorite news outlet. Neither thy Fox News not thy CNN nor thy MSNBC is the Gospel. Such distinction is for the following reporters of Good News: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

11. Thou shalt love thine neighbor without asking qualifying questions such as: if thy neighbor voteth the way thou voted; or if thy neighbor’s skin tone is the same as thine own skin tone, or if thy neighbor speaketh the same language as thou speaketh. Be kind to thy neighbor without regard to such matters.

11. Thou shalt not cometh to thy church and never lifteth a finger in meaningful service. For if thy only behaveth like a sponge and doeth nothing, thou art in grave danger of becoming a potato, a couch potato, and I shalt spew you out of my mouth liken unto a cold French Fry.

11. Thou shalt giveth to the Lord thou tithe on 10% of thine income. Thou shalt not giveth 0%, neither shalt thou giveth 1%. Thou shalt giveth 10% and 10% shalt be thy number to giveth.

11. Thou shalt attendeth church regularly. Thou shalt not make excuses. Thou shalt not sleepth in. Thou shalt not thinkth that sports or mowing thine grass or visiting a zoo are more important than gathering with thou fellow believers. For further reference see Commandment #4.

Jesus didn’t need eleven but reduced the greatest commandments to these two: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Matthew 22:37-39. Let’s do that!

*Obscure biblical reference is the name of the worst human in the Bible not named Judas. See 2 Chronicles 33

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