In honor of this week’s District Assembly on the Kansas City District, I give you:

Ten Unwritten Rules for District Assembly

10. If you don’t have candy or gum to share with your fellow delegates, according to the new manual they have a right to vote you into being a Baptist.

9. Any pastor that fills his/her pastor’s report with riveting tales about building projects, bathroom renovations or paint choices in the teen area will be required to read The Master Plan of Evangelism and give a book report at next year’s assembly.

8. If it is not the ordination service and you are wearing a coat and tie, you had better be the District Superintendent or an insurance salesman who got lost on his way into the office.

7. If you catch, giggle and then report to your friends that the General Superintendent was napping during the spellbinding pastors’ reports don’t be shocked when your next assignment is in Outer Mongolia or some equally appealing location (Read: Cleveland).

6. If you can name each country from the flags displayed during the mission service, you win a free trip to Papua New Guinea (no expenses paid).

5. Starting this year, pastors from all churches that did not pay their World Evangelism Fund in full will be forced to stand and sing, “We’ve a story to tell to the nations.”

4. Earn extra points by standing up and shouting, “I object! Your honor” during the report from the District Appeals Committee.

3. Fitting into a pair of skinny jeans might be easier for some delegates than fitting into the musical style of the NYI service. Solution: Bring ear plugs and smile.

2. When bored here are a few suggestions:
A. Send a note to the District Superintendent (via a page) asking, “Why in the texting era do we need pages?” Then text him, “LOL”
B. Find someone who looks like Phineas Bresee; during a break get him to sign your Phineas bobble head.
C. See how many words you can find in “Elmer Schmelzenbach.”

1. When voting and you don’t know any of the candidates always vote for the most Biblical sounding name (i.e. John, Peter, Mary, and Methuselah get in– Duane, Courtney and Charlie are out).